


the kind of love i've been dreaming of

by appleofmysirius



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, F/M, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:27:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26562874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/appleofmysirius/pseuds/appleofmysirius
Summary: Sakusa finds in you the kind of love he’s only ever dreamed of. Too bad you were in love with his teammate, Bokuto.
Relationships: Bokuto Koutarou/Reader, Sakusa Kiyoomi/Reader
Comments: 24
Kudos: 123





	1. Chapter 1

Bokuto trounces into practise happily, whistling. Sakusa, who is lacing up his shoes, notices with a frown that Bokuto has yet to put down his phone, so absorbed in whatever it is that he was doing. 

Atsumu, who also notices Bokuto’s chipper mood, inquires as much. 

“What’s got ya in such a good mood, Bokkun?” 

“Ah,” Bokuto falters slightly, as pink blossoms on his cheeks. “Matched with this really cute girl on Tinder and we’ve really hit it off.” 

Atsumu wolf-whistles, while Hinata excitedly asks to see your picture. Rather displeased at the whole situation, Sakusa walks out of the locker rooms, into the main gym where they are to do their warmups. 

Bokuto is occupied on his phone for the entirety of all their breaks, engrossed in whatever text conversation he’s having with you. Atsumu occasionally joins him, offering suggestions of how to reply to you whenever you say something that leaves Bokuto stumped. Hinata joins in, excited to be around Bokuto’s contagious good mood. Sakusa ignores them, going through his emails or reading news updates instead. 

After practice, Bokuto checks his phone again, excited. 

“Oh my god,” Atsumu gushes, reading over Bokuto’s shoulder in the locker room, “Bokkun yer totally need to ask her out! She’s practically baitin’ you.” 

“Should I?” Bokuto asks unsurely, facing Atsumu with wide eyes. 

Atsumu nods eagerly, offering a couple of suggestions as to how Bokuto can ask you out. 

“I shudder to imagine her reaction at whatever drivel comes out of Atsumu’s mouth,” Sakusa says to them, strapping on his backpack and leaving the gym. 

On his way out, Sakusa can hear Atsumu’s eager voice grow louder and louder as the conversation heads in a presumably satisfactory direction. Sakusa never understood the appeal of dating, let alone dating apps- there was no need to let anyone occupy so much of your time. And dating apps are narcissists in need of an ego boost, he thinks. 

While not exactly a fitting description of Bokuto, he nonetheless seeks such validation. Sakusa could never imagine himself joining such a service, let alone talking to anyone on there. How desperate did you have to be to meet new people anyways?

The next day, Bokuto’s chipper mood makes a reappearance. Sakusa’s eyebrows furrow- there’s no way some stranger on the internet has this much power over Bokuto, right? 

“He’s going on a date today. With the girl from Tinder,” supplies Atsumu. Hinata queries about the date- Sakusa unwillingly learns that Bokuto is bringing you to a bistro for dinner, before the two of you walk around one of the city parks for a while. 

“Seems boring,” Sakusa admits. For how obviously happy you were making Bokuto feel, Sakusa thinks you deserve a little more than a dinner and a walk in the park. 

“Simple is best,” Atsumu defends, assuring Bokuto that Sakusa was totally unversed in the ways of romance, and hence totally unequipped to give any kind of constructive advice. 

Bokuto chimes in, “You’re right! And besides, she told me she doesn’t like crowds or anything so I tried to keep it more lowkey.”

Sakusa rolls his eyes, making his way out of the gym as soon as possible so he can avoid the crowds in the train. 

The date must have gone well because Bokuto’s happiness is still infectious the next morning. He’s touchier than he is usually, which causes Sakusa to grimace when Bokuto tries to hug him after a well-executed play. 

“How was your date?” Sakusa asks out of politeness while they stretch after practise. 

Bokuto’s cheeks go pink again as he admits, “It went amazing. We really hit it off! I’m seeing her again in two days. I mean, she was a little shy at first but once she warmed up, it was amazing.” 

“So soon?” Sakusa’s eyes narrow- how interesting can some stranger be that you would want to be around them constantly?

“Yeah,” Bokuto scratches the back of his neck, “We’re going to see a movie.” 

“I see,” Sakusa intones, hoping to put an end to this conversation. He rises, collecting his things and heads to the showers before anyone- particularly, Astumu- can get to them first. 

* * *

What started as a couple of casual dates here and there eventually made way for a much more serious relationship. Bokuto had been dating you for 6 months now- and the team had been privy to many a detail. Sakusa almost feels like he knows you personally. Which is ridiculous because he’s never met you. He doesn’t know what you even look like aside from the few pictures Bokuto has shoved in his face. 

“You know, Bokkun,” Atsumu suggests as they finish their warmups, “Y/N should totally come to my year-end party this Sunday!” 

Atsumu always threw a party to mark the end of the year. A party which Sakusa made an appearance for as long as he needed to be polite, then left immediately after. Bokuto whoops excitedly at Atsumu’s suggestion. 

“Omi-kun,” Atsumu slings an arm around Sakusa’s shoulder, “you’ll finally meet the elusive Y/N.”

She’s not actually elusive. Rather, at every opportunity Bokuto creates for his teammates to meet his girlfriend, Sakusa excuses himself. He’s thus far, the only person on this team who is yet to meet you. 

“Can’t wait,” Sakusa quips sarcastically, extracting himself from Atsumu’s grasp and heading home. 

On Sunday, he reluctantly heads to Atsumu’s year-end party. He’s already armed himself with wipes and sanitiser. When he gets there, he makes a beeline for the corner by the kitchen- usually occupied by nobody- but he sees someone standing there. 

He gives you a withering glare which you don’t react to. In fact, you do nothing, continuing to look straight past him. When he leans against the wall, as much distance as he can manage between the two of you, you finally notice him.

“Hi,” you say quietly, fiddling with your cup. 

Sakusa returns his greeting equally quietly. 

“Um,” you laugh nervously, “you must be Sakusa.” 

He wants to roll his eyes- you’re probably one of Atsumu’s groupies. And now you’ve set your eyes on him. Great. 

“Yes.” 

“I’ve heard a lot about you,” you smile, sending a weird sensation down Sakusa’s body, “It’s very nice to meet you. I’m Y/N.” 

Sakusa strains his memory to figure out why that name is so familiar to him but he just can’t seem to recall. You don’t seem to notice his predicament, launching into a story about how Atsumu previously embarrassed himself in front of one of the girls he invited. He relaxes significantly upon realising that you’re just a regular guest, not one of Atsumu’s irritating groupies. 

The two of you talk for a bit, moving on from Atsumu to something interesting that happened in the news lately. Until he decided to ask, “Why are you standing out here? Shouldn’t you be mingling?” 

Your smile drops off your face and Sakusa curses his bluntness for the first time in his life. 

“Oh, I’m not very good with crowds. But I can leave if you want,” you offer sheepishly, pushing off from the wall. 

Instantly, he protests. “No, it’s alright. I know what you mean though. I’m not the best with crowds either.” 

“I wonder how you stand it,” you muse, “I know you guys have to do a lot of PR and fan events.”

Sakusa grimaces at the thought of it. “I find a way.”

You laugh then, and Sakusa is once again reminded that you seem so familiar in some way. The two of you talk for quite a bit, Sakusa even offering to venture into the kitchen to fill your cup for you at one point. When he gets back, he checks his phone, realising he’s stayed way longer than he’s ever wanted to, just talking to you.

“Thanks,” you smile brightly at him, accepting the drink. He wishes he could brush off the pinkness in his cheeks on the alcohol, but he hadn’t had any tonight. 

“Atsumu really knows how to through a party, huh?” You ask sarcastically.

“Yeah,” he agrees, “any sensible person’s worst nightmare.” 

Bokuto appears just then, causing your face to absolutely light up. Sakusa’s heart sinks to the floor when his brain puts two and two together.

Bokuto greets you with a kiss. Sakusa looks away. 

“Y/N,” he claps Sakusa on the shoulder, “this is my teammate, Sakusa. Sakusa, this is my beautiful girlfriend, Y/N!” 

You loop your arm through Bokuto’s, pecking his jawline. “I know, Kou. We were talking before you found me.” 

The two of you chat with Sakusa for a little before Bokuto whisks you away, intent on showing you something. Before you leave, you squeeze Sakusa’s forearm, bidding him goodbye with a small wave. 

Unconsciously, he rests his other hand on his jacket sleeve where you touched him, staring after you as Bokuto leads you through the crowd. 

* * *

The next time he sees you is when you show up at the tail end of their first practice in the new year. Normally, they had closed practices, but Coach had eased up a little recently, allowing loved ones to come as guests. 

You were probably just done with work, coming in with your handbag and a laptop bag, dressed in a pantsuit. Sitting down in one of the bleachers, you watch them wrap up practice with your chin resting on your hand. 

As soon as Coach signals the end of practice, Sakusa is on his way to the showers before anyone else can get there. Bokuto bolts up the stands to talk to you. He chats animatedly about something and Sakusa curses the low simmer of jealousy in his body when he watches the way you embrace a sweaty Bokuto, the way you light up with life as soon as your boyfriend talks to you. 

Once he’s done with his extra-long shower, he notices Bokuto is about done too, packing up his bags rather hastily. You’re outside the locker rooms, waiting patiently, tapping something on your phone. 

Bokuto kisses the crown of your head, easily hoisting up your bags as well as his own, and the two of you walk hand-in-hand out of the gym. You turn around for a fleeting moment, making eye contact with him and giving him a small smile. Sakusa’s stomach does a weird flip. He doesn’t like it. 

* * *

Two months later and Sakusa finds out you’re a journalist. Your boss found out you knew the MSBY Black Jackals and immediately set you on a task of profiling each of the members for a piece. You seem very apologetic and embarrassed when you tell them this.

Luckily for you, most of the team is very excited to be profiled- and to be profiled by you.

“If it’s alright with you,” you smile, waving your planner in front of them, “I’d like to interview each of you separately. Maybe we can work out a schedule?” 

The members pore over your planner with you, picking out an interview slot. Sakusa goes last, looking at the remaining interview slots you had marked out. He notices one the day before your deadline, wondering how you were going to finish everything on time.

“Is this one okay?” He asks softly, finger pressing lightly into the page of your planner. 

You nod, making it down. Your hand accidentally bumps into his; Sakusa curses himself for the jolt of electricity that trails up his arm. 

“Your deadline is the next day,” he observes. Everyone else is still in the showers- he was the first one in, and hence the first one out. It’s become a routine for you to come to the gym at least twice a week after work to meet Bokuto. Sakusa idly wonder about your living arrangements- have the two of you moved in together? 

Unlikely, he realises, because Bokuto would’ve definitely told them about it. 

“It’s okay,” you give him a chipper smile, “I’m used to burning the midnight oil.” 

“You should get more rest,” he chides, unable to help himself. 

Laughing, you look up at him with a twinkle of mirth in your eyes, “Sakusa, you sound just like my mom.” 

He isn’t given the chance to reply because Bokuto comes rushing out, armed with a friendly grin and a kiss on the lips for you. Sakusa’s lip curls unpleasantly and he turns away, leaving. 

By the time it’s Sakusa’s turn to get interviewed by you for the profile piece, winter has thawed, making its way for spring. The cherry blossom trees line the park where you asked him to meet you, the fallen pink petals doing nothing to assuage Sakusa’s nerves.

“Hi, Sakusa,” you wave, coming to a stop before him. You jogged over from the station, running late unfortunately. 

You direct him to a bench, whipping out your laptop and setting it on your thighs. Angling your body to face him, you pull up a blank document and begin the interview. 

Halfway through your questions, Sakusa’s eyes trail a stray cherry blossom that floats in the breeze, landing in your hair. You’re so focused on whatever you’re typing that you don’t notice the flower in your hair. A sudden pang in his chest forces Sakusa to realise how beautiful you are like this- totally in your element, bathed in a halo of bright spring sunshine, with a cherry blossom of all things in your hair. Unable to help himself, Sakusa’s hand plucks the cherry blossom from your hair. 

You look at him curiously, having felt his fingers grazing your scalp. Then you notice the cherry blossom in your hair and you laugh. 

“That’s such a cliche,” you roll your eyes. 

He agrees, but finds himself thinking that he doesn’t mind cliches when you’re at the centre of them. 

“So, what drives you? You’ve always seemed so dedicated and passionate. I would like to know what’s behind that.” You inquire. 

As open-ended as the question is, Sakusa is tongue-tied. He has no idea how to answer you. 

You meet his eyes expectantly, flicking away at a stray strand of hair. 

Swallowing, Sakusa begins to formulate an answer. “I’ve always loved the sport. I think I enjoy the act of dedicating myself to something so wholly- something that I love. I want to be the best, and I want to work for it.” 

The interview concludes relatively soon after that, so it’s just about reached lunchtime. You insist on treating him to lunch at a nearby cafe, the determination in your eyes makes Sakusa unable to back down. The two of you walk past the picnicking couples on your way out of the park- his heart is filled with a strange yearning. He wants so badly to spend time with you in this stupid park, surrounded by the pink flowers and pretending to be your boyfriend for whoever might walk past and see. 

Speaking of boyfriends, he notices a gleam on one of your fingers when you adjust the strap of your bag. 

Tilting his chin towards your hand, he asks, “What’s that.” 

You examine your fingers, wiggling them proudly for him, “Oh, it’s a promise ring. Kou gave it to me in the morning before I got here. S’why I was late.” 

It’s funny how fast such a small piece of jewelry could sour his mood so quickly. But before he can think of chickening out of lunch, you chatter excitedly about the cafe you’re bringing him to. His lips press into a firm line so he can’t say anything. 

When you get there, Sakusa is pleased to note that it’s not very crowded. Your eyes scan the menu, muttering to yourself about something. 

“What are you doing?” He asks, observing the furrow of your brow. 

Embarrassment colours your face, “Um, I rehearse my order before I get to the counter. Helps me a little.” 

And he gets it. He gets it. That consuming feeling of people watching you- waiting for you to mess up. But where you bravely venture into these spaces, he retreats. 

“I do the same,” he gives you a soft smile. 

Your embarrassment melts away into relief and you sigh, “It’s so nice to know someone else who does this. Sometimes, I feel like such a freak next to Koutarou.” 

Sakusa frowns, but the two of you hit the head of the queue before he can say anything.

Once you’re seated, sipping at your iced teas, Sakusa decides to respond to your earlier declaration.

“I don’t think you’re a freak.” 

“Thanks, Sakusa,” you smile around your straw. “If it’s any consolation for us anxiety-ridden people out there- you will find someone who understands you.”

He likes the sound of that. He understands you; it makes him happy that you see that too.

“It’s so cheesy,” you giggle, “but everyday I thank my lucky stars that I ended up with Koutarou. He’s so sweet and understanding, y’know?” 

“Yes,” the iced tea turns sour in his mouth. 

Sakusa desperately wishes he were strong enough to just extract himself from this situation. To just up and leave and not hear you gush about his teammate for the millionth time. But your presence is like a magnet. He can’t leave. No matter how hard he tries. So he puts up with this torture, listening to your tales of Bokuto. Tales so filled with love that he has finally come to accept he yearns for.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: anxiety attacks, slut shaming

Sakusa has resigned himself to his feelings. He hopes that if he does nothing about his feelings for you, they’ll just go away. That’s how everything works, right? You leave it in the corner- it becomes neglected and forgotten. 

Except, this proves harder when you become even more of a recurring character in his life. 

Sakusa is not a social person- he has friends, he doesn’t hang out or spend much time with those friends. But lately, he’s spending all his free time with the team- at dinners, karaoke, whatever it may be. You’ve seamlessly inserted yourself in the group, adding an effervescence to the group dynamic that is truly irresistible. 

You are truly interwoven in his own life. Bokuto talks about you nonstop whenever you’re not there, and it seems like you’ve developed a friendship with Atsumu, too. He consumes everything they say about you greedily, like he’s vicariously in those relationships of yours too. He never makes an effort to seek you out alone, though neither do you, because he thinks you understand. This socialising and interacting thing is not for him- he’s not- he can’t bring himself to do it. 

But, he’s addicted- he craves your presence like a man starved. Whenever he’s out with the team and you, the two of you end up gravitating towards each other. You’re both the most reserved of the group and often feel out of place amongst the boisterous antics of Hinata, Atsumu and Bokuto. At the end of the day though, you return to Bokuto’s side, bidding Sakusa a sweet smile as the two of you amble towards the station. 

Since then, he’s learnt that Bokuto’s moved into your place when his lease expired. 

The plan to ignore his feelings doesn’t work, of course, because the more time he spends with you, the more his unrequited feelings grow into a consuming chasm. He wonders what will happen to him when these feelings become unbearable. Already, he’s filled with misery as soon as he leaves your presence, aching over the fact that his time with you is temporary and that Bokuto’s isn’t. 

Your profile piece on the team is a hit. A wonderfully written article by a talented writer, bringing in publicity in spades for the team. Atsumu suggests throwing a celebration- is that all he’s good for? Sakusa wonders idly, as he braces himself for another evening filled with noise and crowds.

To your credit, you try to muster up enthusiasm at the suggestion. Bokuto’s got you wrapped in his arms the entire time since practice ended- you manage to shoot Sakusa a small glance over Bokuto’s bicep. He gives you a commiserating smile, resolving himself to attend this party of Atsumu’s so that you have company. He chooses to forget the fact that you won’t be lacking company- you’ll be accompanied by your boyfriend. 

Atsumu throws the party in his tiny flat, inviting boat loads of people to celebrate. He’s there before your arrival, watching with narrowed eyes when Bokuto’s eyes light up at the size of the crowd and yours don’t. You separate your hand from Bokuto’s, making a beeline for the very same kitchen corner, while Bokuto makes his way into the thick of the crowd. 

Sakusa fetches a drink for you, pressing the cup into your palms.

You take a sip to calm your nerves, finally gracing him with a beautiful smile. “Hi, Sakusa.”

“Kiyoomi,” he states, avoiding your eyes.

“Huh?”

“My name,” he swallows uncomfortably, mindful of his thudding heart, “It’s Kiyoomi. Figured you could use it since we’re friends now.” 

“Sure,” you agree, bumping his shoulder playfully. 

Sakusa wishes he could laugh at the futility of it all: standing here in the same spot as he did nearly a year ago on the day he fell in love with you. 

The two of you catch up for a little bit until Sakusa asks the million-dollar question.

“You didn’t want to come to this party, right?” 

You rub your forearms, laughing nervously, “Is it that obvious? Huge crowds like this really set me off.” 

“Believe me, I understand. I could tell you’re really uncomfortable- perhaps, it’s because I feel the same way.” 

“That’s a relief, Kiyoomi,” you sigh, sagging slightly against the wall. His heart flips at the sound of his name coming from your mouth. 

You turn to him with a quirk of the brow, “Wanna ditch? We could just hang out outside for a bit?” 

The suggestion is like music to his ears. He nods; you grab his wrist and lead him through the crowd. He doesn’t mind the contact- he likes it, the feeling of your hand over his wrist. It’s a comforting sensation. 

The summer evening is pleasant, warm enough so that neither of you have to wear a jacket. That’s when he finally notices that you’re wearing a black dress, its short hemline giving him a wonderful view of your legs. He feels a little underdressed in your presence- he’s just in a shirt and jeans. 

Running a hand through your hair, you sigh, “Feels so good to get out of there. It’s so suffocating.” 

His lips quirk upwards, “Sometimes, Atsumu doesn’t realise that not everyone wants to get trampled to death at a cheap party.” 

“Hah!” You bark out a laugh, “Right!”

There’s a conspiratory gleam in your eyes which he finds adorable, “And we’re the weird ones, right?” 

You finally coerce a laugh out of him, the sight spurring you to laugh even more. The two of you cackle outside in the corridor like a couple of maniacs. Sakusa feels at ease around someone for the first time in a very long time. He’s never ever felt as weightless as he does in this moment. Laughing with you in the corridor of an apartment complex, holding cups of some kind of terrible cocktail. He feels like he exists in this universe with you alone, it’s the two of you who exist vibrantly on your own, and there’s the dull noise of everyone else inside. They don’t matter to him. This is what he’s always wanted- to exist, carefree, with someone who accepts him, quirks and all. He doesn’t have to worry about everyone else’s eyes on him- they don’t matter. Only you matter. 

The bubble that the two of you are in bursts when Atsumu and Bokuto burst outside, looking for the two of you. They make a beeline over, tugging the two of you apart. 

“Y/N,” Atsumu gripes, “Why’re ya out here with our resident wet blanket, Omi-kun? Yer the star here, today!” 

Bokuto agrees, nestling you into his side, “C’mon, everybody’s dying to meet you, baby!” 

You let yourself get pulled along, shooting one last fleeting look at Sakusa. Your beautiful eyes are filled with a sudden panic. Sakusa’s body is overwhelmed with anger. How could they not notice your discomfort? Especially your boyfriend? He runs in after you. 

Atsumu has cleared a space for you in his living room, gripping you by the shoulders as you stand in the middle. You’re literally shrinking in his grasp, under the attention of everyone- why won’t they leave you alone? 

You mumble out your thanks for their support of your work, literally bolting out of the apartment in the next second. Sakusa doesn’t hesitate for a moment before running after you. Bokuto follows him, both eager to get to you. 

Sakusa reaches you first, finds you hunched over in the parking lot in front of Atsumu’s building. You’ve curled into yourself onto the floor, gasping for air. Your palms are pressed on the floor and your entire body is trembling. 

“Y/N,” Sakusa murmurs gently, rubbing circles into the bare skin of your shoulders, trying to ground you. His heart is beating a mile a minute, fueled in equal parts with rage and worry. He continues rubbing circles on your shoulders, encouraging you to take deep breaths with him. 

It’s when you’ve calmed down that Bokuto finds the both of you. He sighs in relief, opening his arms for you. You don’t make your way into his hold like you normally do and Bokuto is confused. 

“I’m sorry, Kou, I didn’t mean to worry you like that. I’m okay now.” You say apologetically, fidgeting with your fingers. 

“No, she’s not,” Sakusa’s hand is still firm on your shoulder, as his words drip like acid from his mouth, “She had a panic attack. Why couldn’t you tell she doesn’t like crowds- that she wasn’t comfortable as soon as the two of you stepped into the party?” 

Bokuto is at a loss for words. 

“How the fuck don’t you notice these things?” Sakusa snaps, tone angry and biting, “She’s your girlfriend. Don’t you know anything about her?” 

“It’s not his fault, Kiyoomi,” you protest weakly, “I’ve never told him.” 

“Told me what?” Bokuto asks, taking a step closer to you. Sakusa’s grip on your shoulder tightens, but you break away from his grasp to take a step closer to Bokuto. 

“I have Social Anxiety.” There’s so much vulnerability in your face. Sakusa knows it would never be this way with him. He understands you as you are, you don’t need to explain anything to him. He knows you’re uncomfortable, he knows you’re not good with crowds. 

“Oh,” Bokuto sighs, pulling you into his arms, “I’m sorry for not noticing. Tell me what I can do.” 

“It’s not so bad anymore,” you brush it off. Sakusa is furious- why are you trying to play it off? You literally just had a panic attack, why couldn’t you let Bokuto shoulder some of the blame for putting you in this situation in the first place? His hackles are raised and he’s ready to insist that you need someone there for you- someone like him. 

“No,” Bokuto assures you firmly, “Tell me what I can do. You just ran out of there- I was worried sick about you. I don’t care how ‘bad’ it is- I’m here for you.” 

You burst into tears and Bokuto crushes you into his chest, kissing the top of your head. The soft sobs you let out, though muffled by Bokuto’s chest, break Sakusa’s heart. He looks away, giving the two of you your privacy. Bokuto does remarkably well for someone who’s just learnt of your condition five minutes ago- soothing you and calming you down in moments. Sakusa’s heart burns in envy. 

When you’ve calmed down significantly, you look at him with tears still clinging to your lashes. They make your eyes look like they’re framed with diamonds. Sakusa’s hand twitches as he suppresses the urge to swipe his thumb under your eyes and catch your tears. 

“Kiyoomi, thank you so much for finding me and calming me down.” 

“Yeah, thanks, Omi-kun,” Bokuto grins, clapping him on the back, “I really appreciate it.” 

“You’re a really good friend,” you sniffle, smiling at him. Sakusa is filled with the urge to scream- it’s all he wants to do to exorcise this growing black hole inside of him. 

“Fuck,” he mutters to himself, feeling a stinging behind his eyes. Why does he feel this way? 

* * *

The beginning of the end for Sakusa happens on a Friday. The team is out at dinner; you’ve joined tonight. You’re much more reserved than usual, clearly still embarrassed about the whole situation at the party. 

“It’s okay,” he murmurs across the table to you, “they kind of forgot that it even happened.” 

You shoot him a watery smile, clearly not feeling any relief at his words. Bokuto notices your distress, squeezing your shoulder and assuring you that everything will be okay. That’s when you visibly relax. Sakusa tries not to mind it. 

After dinner, there’s a chorus of suggestions to go to a bar. Sakusa wants to go home and scrub his body clean and rest, but you timidly agree to follow along. Bokuto then confirms the both of your attendance for the next activity of the night and Sakusa uncharacteristically agrees to go for more than just the team dinner. Something in his gut is telling him tonight won’t end well. 

The team gets a large table at the back of the bar, piling into the booth. You’re wedged between Sakusa and Bokuto. You’re the only person Sakusa can stomach at such a close proximity.

Atsumu immediately vacates his seat to chat up some of the women by the bar while Hinata is off to play darts with some of the other members. As it happens, he’s left alone with you and Bokuto. 

Bokuto is getting a little handsy; from the corner of his eyes, Sakusa can see Bokuto’s hand creep to your waist and then lower. You lean into his touch, kissing the underside of his jaw. Sakusa is entirely uncomfortable, wishing he thought with his head and not his heart and decided to go home instead of coming here.

“Excuse me,” he mutters, sliding out of the booth so he can go to the bar. He places his order for a beer, nursing it at the bar for a while, half-heartedly watching the sports game on the television. Eventually, he decides to return to his own table.

A white hot rage burns through him when he watches you and Bokuto practically make out in the booth, hands roaming all over each other. The public display of indecency aside, it hurts. To see the love and affection he’s dreamed of for months now lavished on someone else. Someone who he thinks doesn’t suit you as much as he does. Why can’t you just love him? He’s right there, isn’t he? It’s not that hard. 

He can understand why he’s hurt- rationally, at least- because he’s accepted that he wants you to love him back. But he doesn’t understand why his mind forces him to lash out. Why he ends up hurting you for no reason even though you’ve done nothing other than love your boyfriend. 

He slides into the seat opposite the two of you, clearing his throat loudly. He takes a sip of his beer, avoiding looking at either of you as you both straighten up a little. 

“Sorry,” you mumble, sheepish. Sakusa is about to brush it off until you turn your eyes filled with adoration to Bokuto, “He’s hard to resist.” 

“Aw!” Bokuto laughs, smoothing a stray curl of hair on your head. 

Sakusa wishes retroactively that he could kick himself for the words he says next. “For someone with social anxiety, you seem to be just fine acting like a slut in public.” 

“What?” You whisper, taken aback. 

“The two of you would have started undressing had I not come back when I did.” 

“Kiyoomi,” you mumble embarrassedly, “I said I’m sorry.” 

“And I don’t care. You flirt with me and then you go and get it on with your boyfriend in a bar of all places.” 

“Hey,” Bokuto intervenes, ready to rise out of his seat, “Get off her case, man.” 

“No,” Sakusa narrows his eyes, continuing to lash out because he’s tired of feeling his endless chasm in his heart, weighing next to nothing but somehow making him feel like he’s a million tonnes, tied to the earth while Bokuto and you are up in the clouds, “Your girlfriend is a slut. She keeps flirting with me but she’s still with you? You’d better be careful, Bokuto.”

“I never flirted with you,” you’re adamant, though you’re in tears.

“Yeah,” Sakusa rolls his eyes, hurt. Because how else could he explain why you were so captivating, so alluring? “You did.”

“No, Kiyoomi. Maybe you misinterpreted everything, but I never flirted with you.” 

“I believe her,” Bokuto declares, eyes blazing. He stands up once again, ready to take you home with him, but that’s when Sakusa drops the bomb. 

“I love you. I don’t know what you see in him when I’m here.” 

“What?” You’re bewildered. Bokuto is too.

“I’m in love with you. Ever since I first met you.” 

“Shitty way to treat someone you love,” you scoff. You don’t believe him. 

Sakusa grips your wrist, desperate, “Please. I’ve seen you for the special person you are since the beginning. I understand you- you don’t need to explain anything to me. I’ve always understood you. You don’t need him.” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” you try to pull your wrist out of his grasp. Bokuto actually intervenes, plucking Sakusa’s hand off of you. 

“Let’s go,” he states firmly, golden eyes blazing with fury. 

Sakusa buries his head in his hands, unable to even watch you leave. He doesn’t understand why he did that- why he ruined the only good thing he’s ever had like this. You gave him the kind of love he never thought he could have and he threw it aside. 

Immediately, Sakusa heads out of the bar, Atsumu and Hinata be damned. His fingers work fast as he tries to call you, desperate to piece together the broken fragments of your relationship. The realisation that you’ve not just rejected him but possibly cut yourself out of his life is like having a rock thrown to his skull. The dull throb in his temples from the noise and crowds in the bar only serves to amplify his agitation as you hang up on his fifth call. 

Kicking a lamppost angrily, Sakusa curses. He doesn’t know what to do. 

Bokuto texts him a few hours later. By this time, he’s at home, having gone through his normal night routine, trying to relax the raging storm in his heart. 

Sakusa, it reads, for the sake of our team, i won’t get angry at you. but i never want to see u around Y/N again. 

He throws his phone against his comforters in frustration. If you could just pick up, he could apologise. And then, things would work out. He could be your friend again- he would settle for that. 

True to his words, Bokuto doesn’t say anything the next time at practise. He is notably more subdued, practically ignoring Sakusa, but even his conversations with Atsumu and Hinata are different.

“Damn,” comments Atsumu, “What happened between the two of ya?” 

“He said some things to Y/N. She’s really upset and I don’t want it to affect the team dynamics,” Bokuto informs them. 

“What kind of ‘things’?” Hinata asks, bounding over in curiosity. 

“Things I deeply regret and shouldn’t repeat,” Sakusa supplies, leaving the locker room before any one of them can say anything. 

He bumps into you outside, as you walk towards the gym entrance, phone in your hands as you rapidly text someone. 

“Y/N,” he begins, voice choked, holding your shoulders. 

You squirm out of his grasp, “I don’t have anything to say to you.” 

“Please,” he begs, “please. I’m sorry.” 

“‘And I don’t care’,” you parrot his words back to him, “Leave me alone, Sakusa.” 

The use of his last name is a cutting rebuke and he’s left speechless for once in his life. Unable to come up with anything to say because you don’t want to hear anything from him, he stands helplessly as you walk over to where Bokuto is standing, allowing him to sweep you up in his arms. Bokuto directs a sharp glare in Sakusa’s direction, but he just ignores it and leaves. He isn’t needed here anyways. 

* * *

Sakusa never gets to make amends with you because you literally treat him like he doesn’t exist after that incident. Both Bokuto and you were openly hostile towards him for a little bit, choosing to ignore him and Bokuto might have sent the occasional glare his way, but even that subsided into nothing. There was a noticeably detached air in the way Bokuto interacted with him, polite but distant. You never contacted him since, and you avoided team gatherings unless you were sure he wasn’t in attendance. He recused himself more often than not because he knew the team would rather hang out with you than with him (he could say the same of himself). 

You had decidedly extracted yourself from his life while he desperately clung on to whatever he could of yours. Bokuto never spoke about you in front of him, but Sakusa found himself eavesdropping, listening to life updates in Bokuto’s conversations with Atsumu and Hinata. 

The sudden news a few months later that Bokuto had proposed to you felt like someone had reached inside his chest and ripped out his heart. By now, he had been stringing along on the sidelines of your relationship, trying to piece together what he could have of your life like a man obsessed. He craves you- and if this is the only way he can pretend you’re still a part of his life, then so be it. 

“We’re getting married,” Bokuto informs him one day when the both of them are the only ones in the locker room. 

“I see,” Sakusa says quietly, hiding his face in his locker. 

“I just wanted to let you know,” Bokuto says with a shut of his locker door. 

“I’m sorry,” Sakusa blurts out.

“I’m not the one you have to apologise to,” Bokuto says with a small smile, “Besides, she’s pretty much over it.” 

Sakusa feels relieved. 

“Would you wanna come?” Bokuto asks, tepidly, “To our wedding?” 

“It sounds like you don’t want me there.” Sakusa knows he certainly wouldn’t want Bokuto there if the situation were reversed. That he wouldn’t even entertain the idea. 

“But she does,” Bokuto replies. “You were her friend before all of this.” 

And Bokuto would do anything you wanted because he loves you, are the unspoken words hanging in the air. 

“Sure,” Sakusa nods, “I’d like to come.” 

Bokuto nods, waving goodbye and rushing out to meet you. 

Sakusa supposes he’ll at least get closure this way. The final snip to his heartstrings and he’ll be free from his feelings. He honestly couldn’t have expected you to pick between the lesser of two men anyways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope youve enjoyed whats been my longest haikyuu story to date! as always: tumblr plug --> @1tooru

**Author's Note:**

> come find me @1tooru on tumblr! also,,, sksksks i just wanted to write a love triangle w sakusa in it n a reader with social anxiety


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